“Let’s be clear: I am a perfectly adequate horse. I provide a smooth ride, I tolerate my mane being braided into tiny little knots, and I rarely try to eat my owner’s hat. So when I saw her glued to that ‘Florida Horse Business Directory,’ muttering about ‘premium services’ and ‘top-tier boarding,’ I took it personally. She said she was just looking for a new farrier. Sure, Jan. Next thing I know, I’ll have a younger, faster, probably chestnut-colored competitor eating my hay. Two starsfor the directory because it did distract her long enough for me to sneak an extra carrot.”
Hercules
The sheer audacity. Our human looked up a ‘Personalized Horse Retirement Farm’ on this directory! I’m 22, I still spook at plastic bags! We are not old pickup trucks; we are classic, opinionated, spotted perfection, and we are not ready to be replaced. This site puts dangerous ideas—like ‘upgrade your horse’—into owners’ heads.
If she spends money on retirement farms instead of peppermints, we riot. Do not use if you value your current horse’s employment status.
Shadow and Spot
“I overheard my owner talking on the phone about a listing for a ‘Holistic Equine Wellness Center.’ I Googled ‘holistic’ later (don’t ask). Apparently, it means ‘really expensive hay and maybe some acupuncture.’ Listen, my wellness is directly correlated with the quantity of sweet feed in my trough. If this directory is going to lead her to spend money on horse yoga instead of more peppermints, I’m against it. However, the listing for the ‘Custom Trailer Graphics’ was interesting. A giant mural of me? Now that’s a business I can get behind. Four out of five buckets for having its priorities mostly in order.”
